I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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