I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
