Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
