hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
