Apparently you make a good broom.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
