I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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