If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize