Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize