yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
