it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
