dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
