Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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