So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
