I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
