whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw a hot homeless man
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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