Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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