I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude. I can hear the air.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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