i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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