I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
