They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
