She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
