Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
