It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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