So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize