Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
