keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
