Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
