Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
