it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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