My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
