There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
