mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
