you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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