Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
