cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
