These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
