i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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