my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
