He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
