I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
