I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
did i walk over a car last night?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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