I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
