I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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