Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
