Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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