How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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