Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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