Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
