Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
