I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
