I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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