All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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