Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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