I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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