Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
