Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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