Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
