So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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