Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
